When it is all you can think about.  All the cells of your body are leaning forward toward that thing.  Your mind, heart, and body are all aligned and you know soon, you will get to experience … fill in the blank. 

It doesn’t matter what it is really, the feeling of disappointment hits after the exhilaration of launching to your destiny and then suddenly - your destiny is nowhere in sight.  Nothing has occurred.  The future was erased.  

In 2019, I took a job as a school music teacher, unbeknownst to me a global pandemic was just around the corner.  It would kick my teaching chops into warp speed as I navigated both the regular challenges of a classroom in addition to virtual, hybrid, hygiene, and hysteria.  All the while, I tried my best to maintain my long-time private piano students, a practice schedule, and ongoing music projects. 

As a former Kansas resident, I remembered and related to debris swept into a tornado along for the ride, and was curious where I would land ultimately.  Now, in 2022, I can begin to feel my feet dangling from the tree I was tossed and tangled into.  I am ready to float down, set my tired toes onto the soft earth, and do some yoga poses, drink Rooibos tea, and remember what I was trying to do before I went into survival mode. 

So when I was invited to float down a river in my swimsuit, lounging in a giant inner tube, and soaking up all the Vitamin D I missed over the past 3 years, my heart fluttered like a butterfly with wet wings.  I excitedly tried to separate my fliers, dry off, and continue on my soul’s journey.  I felt like a child looking forward to summer camp, or visiting a cousin in a neighboring state.  I was filled with a future that involved me doing nothing, but feeling lots of nice feelings in cold splashy water.  It was almost unbearably satisfying just to imagine. 

Then came the call it was not going to happen.  My childlike anticipation turned to disappointment and I remembered the time Julie got to do my race.  I was 5, in kindergarten, and I was the best runner in my class.  I had beat out all the other students and was to face off the other class at the school-wide field day.  I was thinking about this every day and how it would be when I got to do it.  It was going to be so fun!  I could feel the wind in my face and my little legs jugging along as fast as I could possibly move them.  And a big smile when I got to the finish line.  It was going to be great.  But then. 

We went to the doctors office for an annual shot and all of a sudden my leg was about 10 pounds heavier and I could barely move it.  I was hobbling around like I had a sack of flour tied to me, and was no way going to be able to run my very important race.  The feeling was new and raw.  I watched Julie take my place in the starting line-up and run the race I envisioned everyday.  I wasn’t mad at her, I liked Julie.  I was just very disappointed. 

Whatever was about to happen, did not. 

And I was the same as before.

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